Monday, May 21, 2012

Wild Flux

My perspective has been changed, distorted, compressed and stretched....and is currently in wild flux. Ironically this is happening during a time in our family's lives when things appear to be coming together relatively smoothly. And I do not use the word relative lightly. Jeremy and I were talking and I said things feel like they are getting easier. But I had to correct myself. Not easy, just less painful. That's really what it is...the pain in our lives has lightened. Just like physical pain, I think emotional pain makes concentration on anything difficult, unless it directly or immediately involves attention.

It is a crucible, burning things down to an essence. Perhaps we are in a cooling off period. So, here is where the wild flux is in my life. It is in my minute I feel like things are smooth and easy, such a contrast to the intensity of the past few years. I think, "Oh I can get all the stuff done that I want to do! Start projects, go more places with the boys..." The next minute I feel like, "What was I thinking?" Everything is chaotic, kids are crying, messes are erupting, the phone is ringing, and demands are happening all at at once. Then I think, "No, it is time to just rest when I can." I was being a little too ambitious when things felt smooth. And this process can be brief, happening from minute to minute, or longer, over the span of days.

All I know right now is, I have to keep on and keep learning. The boys come first. After that, comes prioritization. With the luxury of a little more time, the possibilities seem overwhelming. Certainly, reflection is healthy. But it is time to just start.

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